Over the past couple weeks, I've been asking myself what Christmas really means to me. It's my favorite holiday for lots of good reasons, but what does that babe wrapped in swaddling clothes in a smelly manger really mean?
Through the Word, new challenges, wise counsel, and the mighty prayers of righteous people, the Lord has given me freedom I had never known in my entire life. It started with one weekend at a campground in the fall of last year. That weekend ended up being the most spiritually demanding event of my life. God took the sum of all my hurts, fears, failures, and grief, and He gave it purpose. he also happened to turn my world upside down in the best way. My mind was beginning to learn how it felt to really know peace. I wish I could describe what it's like, after almost three decades, to have a still mind for the first time. To pray and worship and hear birds sing without racing, never-ending thoughts to take you out of the present. It is like a blind man seeing for the first time. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. It was a quiet miracle, but it was a mountain moved. That was fifteen months ago, and I still tear up when I talk about it. Because I had been so busy during the weekend, I hadn't stopped to read the page of a book my friend had marked for me until the day before I left. The book told the stories behind hymns and praise songs, and she had marked "Because He Lives," knowing it was a favorite. I had talked about singing it at church as a child with my Papaw. I remembered him having one hand in mine and the other raised in worship. We sang it at his funeral. I had hidden those words in my heart long ago. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow." I knew it by heart, so I skipped reading the song and went straight to the back story. It was nice but didn't have much of an impact on me. I decided to skim over the lyrics so dear to my heart and felt a tug-I had forgotten there was a second verse. I read these words:
How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But sweeter still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives!
Tears streamed down my face, and I felt the Spirit of the Lord whisper, "This is your next verse. This is your next verse. This is your next verse."
In that moment, and in the months that followed, I was able to rest in His promise and timing. If I began to doubt, I went back to that weekend. The entire year of 2014 has been about resting in Him and in the freedom He has given me, I trust Him in tragedy. I trust Him when nothing makes sense to me. I trust He is good, and I trust that He is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:38). I have learned that once some of the burdens that shackle me are moved aside, God can open my eyes to sin I couldn't focus on before, only to realize it was permeating my days. Though that sounds depressing, I've found it exhilarating. It's such a gift to have enough of the demons of my mind defeated that I can ask God to reveal all the ways pride is causing me to stumble. He is teaching me, gently, how to recognize and fight it. There is such joy in that!
I'm learning I don't have to try to step in and fix everything. I don't even have to worry (shocking development!). It is very, very hard work. My mind still works against me constantly, but I am not walking in defeat. My name means Victory; I feel like I've come through a lot of battles, but now I'm learning to walk daily in victory. That's a big difference. I have wasted so many days living as a woman defeated.
My mom's best friend, knowing how I had made plans for possible pregnancy announcements for every major holiday of the past...too many holidays, thought it was funny I found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July. She also suggested I name the baby Americus like some kid in Kentucky, but that's another story. When I sat on the balcony that night in Florida and thought about it, though, I realized it couldn't be more perfect. How fitting, that this most beautiful part of the story would happen on a day where we celebrate freedom! That is exactly what God gave me before He gave me this baby.
I got to tell my family immediately. Two years ago that week, I was on that balcony in the middle of the night hearing my Papaw had passed away. We stayed out there, and Matt held me in his lap until the sun came up. On this day, I got to walk out to that same spot and tell my dad he was going to be a grandfather. He was going to impact a life and have this beautiful relationship with my child the way his father had before him. This was my next verse.
We started celebrating at Another Broken Egg for breakfast and ended the night on the beach watching fireworks that seemed like they were just for our little family.
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her. Luke 1:45
That baby in the feeding trough? He means after twenty-seven years of searching, I'm finding the peace that comes from Christ alone. The enemies of my mind didn't disappear, but Jesus has cut the chains that held me captive. He means freedom, not only for eternity, but for today.
Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
John 8:36
Through the Word, new challenges, wise counsel, and the mighty prayers of righteous people, the Lord has given me freedom I had never known in my entire life. It started with one weekend at a campground in the fall of last year. That weekend ended up being the most spiritually demanding event of my life. God took the sum of all my hurts, fears, failures, and grief, and He gave it purpose. he also happened to turn my world upside down in the best way. My mind was beginning to learn how it felt to really know peace. I wish I could describe what it's like, after almost three decades, to have a still mind for the first time. To pray and worship and hear birds sing without racing, never-ending thoughts to take you out of the present. It is like a blind man seeing for the first time. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. It was a quiet miracle, but it was a mountain moved. That was fifteen months ago, and I still tear up when I talk about it. Because I had been so busy during the weekend, I hadn't stopped to read the page of a book my friend had marked for me until the day before I left. The book told the stories behind hymns and praise songs, and she had marked "Because He Lives," knowing it was a favorite. I had talked about singing it at church as a child with my Papaw. I remembered him having one hand in mine and the other raised in worship. We sang it at his funeral. I had hidden those words in my heart long ago. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow." I knew it by heart, so I skipped reading the song and went straight to the back story. It was nice but didn't have much of an impact on me. I decided to skim over the lyrics so dear to my heart and felt a tug-I had forgotten there was a second verse. I read these words:
How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But sweeter still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives!
Tears streamed down my face, and I felt the Spirit of the Lord whisper, "This is your next verse. This is your next verse. This is your next verse."
In that moment, and in the months that followed, I was able to rest in His promise and timing. If I began to doubt, I went back to that weekend. The entire year of 2014 has been about resting in Him and in the freedom He has given me, I trust Him in tragedy. I trust Him when nothing makes sense to me. I trust He is good, and I trust that He is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:38). I have learned that once some of the burdens that shackle me are moved aside, God can open my eyes to sin I couldn't focus on before, only to realize it was permeating my days. Though that sounds depressing, I've found it exhilarating. It's such a gift to have enough of the demons of my mind defeated that I can ask God to reveal all the ways pride is causing me to stumble. He is teaching me, gently, how to recognize and fight it. There is such joy in that!
I'm learning I don't have to try to step in and fix everything. I don't even have to worry (shocking development!). It is very, very hard work. My mind still works against me constantly, but I am not walking in defeat. My name means Victory; I feel like I've come through a lot of battles, but now I'm learning to walk daily in victory. That's a big difference. I have wasted so many days living as a woman defeated.
My mom's best friend, knowing how I had made plans for possible pregnancy announcements for every major holiday of the past...too many holidays, thought it was funny I found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July. She also suggested I name the baby Americus like some kid in Kentucky, but that's another story. When I sat on the balcony that night in Florida and thought about it, though, I realized it couldn't be more perfect. How fitting, that this most beautiful part of the story would happen on a day where we celebrate freedom! That is exactly what God gave me before He gave me this baby.
I got to tell my family immediately. Two years ago that week, I was on that balcony in the middle of the night hearing my Papaw had passed away. We stayed out there, and Matt held me in his lap until the sun came up. On this day, I got to walk out to that same spot and tell my dad he was going to be a grandfather. He was going to impact a life and have this beautiful relationship with my child the way his father had before him. This was my next verse.
We started celebrating at Another Broken Egg for breakfast and ended the night on the beach watching fireworks that seemed like they were just for our little family.
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her. Luke 1:45
That baby in the feeding trough? He means after twenty-seven years of searching, I'm finding the peace that comes from Christ alone. The enemies of my mind didn't disappear, but Jesus has cut the chains that held me captive. He means freedom, not only for eternity, but for today.
Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
John 8:36
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