"I could have done so many things, baby, if I could only stop my mind..."-"Wasted Time", Eagles
Sometimes I wonder what I would be capable of if I could shut my mind off for even an hour. Who would I be if I weren't listening to the litany of shortcomings, the barrage of my failings? Who would I be apart from the incessant voice in my head questioning everything I do, critiquing every decision, berating me for every mistake, asking what if what if what if?
Tonight our kids learned about Moses. If you caught the first episode of The Bible on History, please join me in adopting your best Ramses yell, "Moooooses!" I have serious concerns about why the Pharaoh sounded like a bullfrog, why Moses looked so crazed, if angels really have ninja moves,and a lot of other creative concerns, but that's another story...
Our kids learned about the scene with the burning bush, or, per our curriculum, an oscillating fan with red and orange crepe paper taped to it. That story is one of my favorites in the bible because of the way it impacted my own call to ministry. Reference My Story for the dirty deets. Accepting that call felt like one of the bravest things I'd ever done, and I did it by realizing that God was enough. End of story. Lauren could be a children's pastor because her God was big enough to cover her and use her. Grace in my weakness! That became my battle cry!
Fast forward two years later; I've lost a little of that battle cry somewhere along the way. Today I had the honor of hearing the sweetest letter one of my sponsors wrote to the church board just because she thought they should know what a great job I was doing and how much she loves me. (I love her very much, too!) It was one of the most encouraging things anyone has ever done for me. I was wiping away happy tears in the board meeting! Yet tonight, in my perfect chair by the perfect windows, listening to the rain pour down, tap-tapping away on the keys, I'm fighting the all-too familiar feeling that I am a failure.
Old acronyms die hard.
Sometimes I like to forget that through my relationship with Jesus, I am granted not only eternal life but life abundant! Abundant life doesn't look like this...this hot mess of a girl who insists on making it about what she brought to the table (or what she didn't). He's bigger than the table! I read a quote by Voltaire once, "The perfect is the enemy of the good." It's that voice insisting if I'm not doing a perfect job, I shouldn't be doing it at all. Of course, it goes against absolutely everything I know to be true. In my own life, my favorite people to have around are the people who are genuine and don't pretend to have it all together. Those are the people I build relationships with and confide in. They know my weak spots and love me anyway, and vice versa. They have no problem with the fact that their children's pastor is a human being. I love them all the more for being a little bit messy, too. The people who act like their lives are perfect and they don't make mistakes? You can keep them.
Flawed people...those are the ones He uses to build His kingdom. The bible shows us this again and again. He is forever picking us up and dusting us off and loving us through every mistake. He's a God who gets His hands dirty. He is always in the mess. His power is made perfect in the mess!
This is not a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" faith. It's about being humble, willing, and brave enough to trust the God who delights in working in weakness. It's having the courage to keep trying even with the certainty I'll continue making mistakes in this ministry. It's time to worry less about opinions and more about the Father's will. I need to refocus my eyes on I AM and delight in the God who took my punishment, defeated death, and calls me His own. Forgive me, Jesus, for ever making it about me. For telling you what you can and can't do through me. For listening to the butcher instead of my Shepherd.
One of my favorite songs right now is "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave. I love it for the lyrics that hit me like a ton of bricks every time I hear it:
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me,
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me,
"Son, stop fighting a fight;
It's already been won"
My downfall comes when I forget that truth and count on myself to get it together and to punish myself when I fall short. Jesus paid for my freedom; he paid for new life. He never intended for me to stay in my shackles. I'm called not to live as a prisoner, but as an adopted daughter of the Most High King.
My fervent hope for anyone reading this is that you will never let the fear of failure or the mythical "shiny, happy Christian" who has it all together hold you back. He will meet you wherever you are. He will cast your sins as far as the east is from the west, into the sea of forgetfulness, to be remembered no more. He will give you a new life. He will break your strongholds. He will make His power perfect in your weakness. He will redeem you. And He will never, ever turn His back on you.
Here's the rest of the song: Redeemed
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