Beauty in the Ashes

     I didn't think I'd write anything about this because I don't have the energy or knowledge to explain everything that's going on, and also because it's embarrassing. But I write about so much of my life, and I've been focused tonight on what's going right, so I decided to go ahead and let you see our mess, mess, mess, as Jack calls it!      This hasn't been the most stellar week. Our house is literally falling down around our ears, and a lot of that is because of an accident with a sink that was my fault. That sink is now in the garage with the rest of my kitchen. And every six hours, someone from a cleanup company comes in to tell me some new astronomically expensive thing that is wrong with the house (a lot of which has nothing to do with the original accident). 4" of standing water in the crawl space? Great. Everything associated with said space was installed incorrectly which could end up costing you $30,000 down the line? Perfect. Chum...

Three years ago today I found out I was a mama. I loved this boy fiercely when he was the size of a poppy seed. I love him fiercely now that he is over 26 wiggly pounds.  This holiday will always mean the world to me because it brings all those memories straight back like a punch. I feel it in my chest, the disbelief and the joy, like my heart would actually burst. The gratitude as I fell to my knees by the sink and cried and whispered fervent thank yous to the Lord before I woke my husband up to tell him he was going to be a father. The words I'd waited and waited and waited to speak. The entire day spent smiling so hard my cheeks were surely sore. Breakfast out, and in a sundress. One newborn outfit purchased from the Carter's store, where I cried immediately upon entering. Not buying clothes because we needed money, and my body was about to be a lot different, and what kind of seafood exactly could I not eat at lunch? And guess what? I can't take - any- of the medicin...

     Today my dad helped Jack climb a tree for the first time in our backyard.      When Matt decided he was set on this house being OUR house, I remember looking out at this yard and loving these weeping willows. Maybe it was my inner 90's girl calling to me with a scene from Pocahontas. I don't know. It took me a little longer, but I fell for the house, too. One day on my lunch break, I drove here, slipped through the unlocked gate, and knelt under this very tree to pray. I prayed that if this was the home we were meant to have, that our offer would be enough (it was, even after we decided to hold steady when someone came in with a counter offer), and that God would give us this home and children to fill it with. I pictured a couple of kids running around that yard, though at the time, we were still trying and failing to conceive, for no physical reason, which was breaking my heart. I also prayed His will above ours, knowing we would trust no matter...