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Beauty in the Ashes

September 13, 2007


I should really be working on homework. But I haven't written in a long time, and I'm feeling very introspective right now. My life is...wonderful. Literally, full of wonder. I have so many questions right now. Things that I don't understand, issues I cannot resolve. With help from a wiser person, some of the cloudiness has dissipated. I am resting in the arms of my loving Savior this week. God is faithful and patient. He has blessed me beyond measure.




I find myself overwhelmed with the blessings in my life right now. Life is good, and I am truly happy. I have a job that is fulfilling. I love my work, and I love who I work with. To have that in college is no small miracle. I live in a place that is cozy and cheerful and home...and I have a dishwasher! I haven't missed a single class, and I started exercising (and secretly like it). There will be a new baby in my family by September 21st, and I can't wait to kiss his beautiful face and hold his tiny, precious body in my arms. I am filled with anticipation of the joy this new life will bring. I have a church of people that have opened their arms to my family and accepted us so lovingly. The weather is gorgeous. I love the chilly breeze and the blue sky. I wake up and put my feet on the floor every single day. That is so huge to me. Lately, I have been waking up consistently happy. It has been years since I could say that. Waking up, period, and doing so without dread or deep sadness on a regular basis is amazing. Going through darkness makes the light a lot brighter and a lot clearer. I do not take one day of it for granted. Things are not perfect, of course. I still fight battles in my mind that don't get voiced. I still get down, and I still hurt. But the sense of this unfathomable amount of gratitude in my heart humbles me and brings me joy.


I have my incredible family who I appreciate more than ever before. I have friends that pull me up and push me forward. Friends that make me giggle until it hurts. Friends that say, "It's about time." Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for being amazing. 


I have a love that I spent my whole life hoping for. Everything I've gone through, every twist of my journey, every hurt, every mistake that led me to him and to "us" was completely worth it. It is a fantastic adventure. Years ago, watching Practical Magic, I heard something that summed me up so perfectly: "I dream of a love that time itself will lie down and be still for." And that is exactly what I have found. For every surprise, every kiss, every moment I have with him, I am eternally grateful.


I am still trying to accept myself for who I am. Make decisions. Live with them. Forgive myself for not mailing a note six months ago, things like that. Perhaps I am finding a piece of the confidence I once possessed. The unshakable kind. The kind you carry in your heart. I hope so. I am trying to follow my pastor's words by learning to listen to the Shepherd instead of the butcher. I have been so relieved to allow Jesus to pick me up and cradle me once again. I feel strong arms surround me in love as He rocks me back and forth, back and forth...


Then you say, "Go slow,"
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you
I will be waiting
Time after time

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